Recently, I called a woman who is near and dear to me. She is someone whose opinion I value greatly, a person who has counseled me on my most important life matters and whose input I trust. I called her to share some ideas I have been mulling around in my head about the direction my life was now taking and to get some input on my new career path. I was enthusiastic because I thought these were excellent ideas and was juiced to share them with her because I knew she would have valuable input as well as some encouraging words to say which would let me know for sure I was heading in the right direction. Boy was I surprised with the reaction I received from her, which I shall say was less than enthusiastic. In fact I could have sworn I heard an “eh” followed by a yawn come out of her mouth after I shared my ideas with her! Okay, this is probably highly exaggerated, but it is how I felt the scene played out when I didn’t get the reaction I expected from her. I was taken aback and even momentarily deflated in my initial excitement. She is my friend I thought and my counselor. She is not supposed to react like this. I mean, these are some good ideas, how could she not be excited for me? I am excited for myself finally, how could she not share equally in this enthusiasm? I am certain this time she can hear in my voice, how confident I am about this finally being the right path.
As you can already tell, I was admittedly a little angry because I had allowed my feelings to be hurt and within minutes of hearing what I had interpreted as a less than enthusiastic reaction, I began to question my newly found goals and ambitions. I was feeling like I have finally found some real direction for my life, and the past few weeks have felt as if some light had been shed in an area which had been dim for a really long time and felt like because she was my friend and counselor that she was supposed to support me and cheer me on, pat me on the back and say inspiring things like, “I think this will be perfect for you, it’s exactly what I see you doing, blah blah blah”. Isn’t that what friends, family and people you look up to are supposed to do and say when you have finally found your way? I was winded after our very short conversation and did what I normally do when I get discouraged and need some support (aside from calling her) I reached out to my sister. I texted her and asked that she call me because I was feeling a little discouraged after speaking with my friend. She texted back and said she would get back with me in about thirty minutes. Thirty seconds later the phone rang and it was her, but she was in an area where she had bad reception and couldn’t talk which left me no choice in that moment but to deal with this on my own. So I took a moment and sat with what had just happened. I really wanted to understand the dynamic that had taken place between my friend and me, because what I would have done normally is shut down and quit, giving up on my dreams and goals because I hadn’t gotten that support, (well more realistically validation) that I needed to continue. However, recently I had vowed to be different with myself which means to do things differently and by that I mean to take a more systematic approach to my life which is why I believe that within minutes of my sitting quietly and sincerely wanting to understand, I had answers.
I was told two things. The first is: I should follow my heart and move on with my plans. It was then I realized that nobody can share with equal measure the enthusiasm for that which has been placed upon my heart to do and it would be highly beneficial to me if I would recondition myself to being self-motivated because there may not always be outside validation for what I do or believe in, if it is in fact necessary at all. I was told to learn to trust myself. The second thing I was told was to release my friend from her prescribed role as my cheerleader. I had without knowing type cast her and had her fixed in a role that did not necessarily show off all of her talents and most certainly had not allow her any room to evolve and to mature. I realized that she was no longer meant to play the same role she had played for me before. It was further revealed to me that in order for me to continue to expand, I had to release her and let her be for me now whoever it is she is presently developing into. I was to understand that she too is in the process of evolution and had grown personally over the years of my knowing her. I was then able to determine her reaction wasn’t necessarily one of a lack of enthusiasm, but perhaps more befitting to her current outlook of life, whatever that may be.
This dear friend of mine and I were brought together many years ago. It was nine years to be exact when we were brought together and we were both completely different people from who we are today. My needs for her then were in many ways different than they are now because my issues were not all the same, at least not in form. I feel confident in saying that the same goes for her as far as her ability to give to me based upon where she was in her life at the time of our coming together. She gave to me guidance and counseling based on my needs then. She taught me a different way of looking at life and offered to me a real alternative to how I had been living my life to that time. She did all that she could to equip me with tools to move forward on my own. She was never intended to hold my hand and walk me through the rest of my life, at least not in that same capacity. She was preparing me to go it alone so to speak. She had spent a countless number of hours preparing me to spread my wings and to eventually fly. I must stop for a moment here and say that I am most grateful to her for all of these things which were positively needed at that time for without her I am uncertain as to where I would be now. Ok, proceeding along. In all of the time we had spent together, I had never given any thought to how our relationship might change as we each grew, expanded and evolved individually even though I was taught that evolution is the whole purpose of life, not to mention the best use for relationship. It is necessary to recognize that with individual evolution comes the evolution of needs, which then redefines the roles of each individual who is party to the relationship. I also realized in that short period of time sitting there in the quiet of my room is that she is still my friend, my confidant and perhaps still my counselor; but that the way in which we now engage with each other will be different because she had grown, I had grown and we had grown. The paradigm of our relationship had been redefined because the circumstances of our lives have changed and with them our needs for each other have changed as well.
With this newly found insight, I was then able to take inventory of my life. In doing so I observed that it is sometimes very challenging for people including myself to see their loved ones mature or to change. I think based upon my own personal experiences, that change makes people feel very uncomfortable since most of us do not like change to put it mildly! It is well known that the majority of us absolutely abhor change even though it is one of the few constants in life. I believe the thing that makes us so resist to change in our friends is that it somehow forces us to evaluate where we our in our own lives which is often times very painful, possibly because we are so highly critical of ourselves. That criticalness coupled with our incessant need to compare makes us resistant to seeing and accepting growth in the people we know and love.
I have noticed that friends can sometimes be our biggest cheerleader and our biggest competitor (hater) all at the same time. I believe they really want to be happy for us, but the fear of being left behind forces the competitive and defensive nature to reveal itself. So it is not that our friends aren’t happy when we think they should be, but perhaps they have developed a new outlook, or maybe they are preoccupied with self-examination or any countless number of things which overshadow the happiness they might otherwise feel or be able to express in that moment. Perhaps we would benefit from releasing our friends from their previously prescribed roles and be grateful to them for what they have brought to our lives thus far as there was definitely an intended purpose for their being there. It is unfair to our friends, loved ones and even to ourselves to discourage maturity and might I add even an unreasonable expectation that they should become stagnant to accommodate our needs. We are being unfair to expect anyone to be a constant cheerleader for us. The real encouragement for our lives should come from within. I do believe that your friends should encourage and support you as often as they sincerely can, but when they do not or cannot, it shouldn’t matter because you should be cheering so loudly for yourself that it should sound like an entire stadium filled with people yelling at the top of their lungs on your behalf. Thanks for tuning in!
Deonae
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