Why Are We Competing?

The other night, my kids decided they wanted to have game night. They invited our neighbor over and as I cooked dinner they sat down to play a game that our neighbor had brought with her. The game my neighbor brought to play is called Sequence. The object of this game is to get five of your markers down on the board in a row, while at the same time preventing others from getting their own sequences. There are one and two eyed jokers involved in playing which allow players to block each other and substitute cards to allow for completion of a sequence. The game sounded like it would be fun to play if you weren't 13 and 11 year old siblings whose objective is to obliterate each other at any opportunity given while playing or at any given time for that matter! Knowing this is how my children are, I chose to sit and observe not wanting to get caught in the crossfire and there definitely was crossfire!

While I was watching I was able to observe how my children think as I believe that game playing or sports play are two of the best ways in which to observe how anyone is in their real life. The field and board are metaphors for life and how one is on the field or board will be exactly how they are in their everyday life. So I took advantage of this opportunity to observe just how my children are. Having plenty of opportunity to observe my son because he is actively involved in sports all the time, I decided to take a closer look at my daughter. Not to my surprise, I noticed how competitive she is, but what was surprising is how much energy she gave to only stopping her brother from gaining any sequences. She gave no time or thought at all to setting up any sequences of her own. When I tried bringing it to her attention and explain to her that she could never win the game by trying to stop him only, she got mad, again not to my surprise. She could not get that I only wanted her to be able to see that her actions were self-defeating and in the long self-destructive.

This scenario I know is one-dimensional and could be reduced to sibling rivalry by some who may be thinking that I may be putting too much on it, but am I? Let's roll with the idea that the game board is in fact a metaphor for life. This being so if my daughter or any other woman were to operate in her life exactly like she did while playing the game how much success or how many wins would she have in her own life. Could she attend to any dreams or goals that she may have for herself? Let us break it down even further, if her attention was focused solely upon her stopping her perceived opponent would she even have dreams or goals of her own to attend to? The answer is most likely not as she is giving all of her time, attention and energy to someone else's life with this someone whoever she is likely to be fully engaged in her own life and possibly completely unaware that she is even in a competition with someone else at all.

Notice that I said her perceived opponent because more often than not, when a woman is in competition with another, the other women doesn't even know the competition exists. Why is this? Why do we compete? I know why men do it; it is a part of their nature to be natural competitors, to want to be bigger better and faster, but why do women do it? Our makeup is not the same as men; we are not competitive by nature. In fact, we the completely opposite, created to be in harmony with and to support nature. I don't think we really know the answer. Yet, don't you find it true that we often both secretly and rarely openly compare ourselves to some other woman and wish to be like her, if not to be her. Who is it that sets the standard for what a person should have and look like and then how do we fall into that mindset and forget that we are individuals with a unique purpose which can be filled by nobody else? Why are we making comparisons? We are who we are on purpose. There were no accidents or mistakes made when we were created. God created everything the heavens and the earth, man and woman and said it was "GOOD", so how then did we decide something different. He didn't say some of it is good and the other not so much. He said all of it was good. How then did we get to the place where we would seek to define ourselves according to what someone else has or how they look?

I know that most people are living lives that are unfulfilled, but wanting someone else's life will not make yours more fulfilling. Wanting someone else to fail in their life certainly will not make yours more fulfilling. Competition is not the way to get to your goals. Competition only creates more competition; there will always be somebody who is ahead of you. The only way to have a fulfilling life is to make yours more fulfilling. Get involved in your life make it what you want it to be. Learn to be happy with you and be the best you that you can possibly be. I am certain you have some strengths, talents and favorable attributes that need cultivating or possibly discovering. But if you spend all of your time yearning to be someone else how will you ever know what you are capable of? You are a contribution to the world with your own gifts and talents. Each person has a place, a position designed specifically for them that no other person can fill and if you are unwilling to play your part the world is missing something valuable and essential. Concern yourself with your life and making it the best ever! Make doing you so fun that everyone will want to find and discover the best them!

Be A Light!

When Friends Change

Recently, I called a woman who is near and dear to me. She is someone whose opinion I value greatly, a person who has counseled me on my most important life matters and whose input I trust.  I called her to share some ideas I have been mulling around in my head about the direction my life was now taking and to get some input on my new career path. I was enthusiastic because I thought these were excellent ideas and was juiced to share them with her because I knew she would have valuable input as well as some encouraging words to say which would let me know for sure I was heading in the right direction.  Boy was I surprised with the reaction I received from her, which I shall say was less than enthusiastic.  In fact I could have sworn I heard an “eh” followed by a yawn come out of her mouth after I shared my ideas with her! Okay, this is probably highly exaggerated, but it is how I felt the scene played out when I didn’t get the reaction I expected from her.  I was taken aback and even momentarily deflated in my initial excitement.  She is my friend I thought and my counselor.  She is not supposed to react like this. I mean, these are some good ideas, how could she not be excited for me? I am excited for myself finally, how could she not share equally in this enthusiasm?  I am certain this time she can hear in my voice, how confident I am about this finally being the right path.

As you can already tell,  I was admittedly a little angry because I had allowed my feelings to be hurt and within minutes of hearing what I had interpreted as a less than enthusiastic reaction, I began to question my newly found goals and ambitions.  I was feeling like I have finally found some real direction for my life, and the past few weeks have felt as if some light had been shed in an area which had been dim for a really long time and felt like because she was my friend and counselor that she was supposed to support me and cheer me on, pat me on the back and say inspiring things like, “I think this will be perfect for you, it’s exactly what I see you doing, blah blah blah”.  Isn’t that what friends, family and people you look up to are supposed to do and say when you have finally found your way? I was winded after our very short conversation and did what I normally do when I get discouraged and need some support (aside from calling her) I reached out to my sister.  I texted her and asked that she call me because I was feeling a little discouraged after speaking with my friend.  She texted back and said she would get back with me in about thirty minutes.  Thirty seconds later the phone rang and it was her, but she was in an area where she had bad reception and couldn’t talk which left me no choice in that moment but to deal with this on my own.  So I took a moment and sat with what had just happened.  I really wanted to understand the dynamic that had taken place between my friend and me, because what I would have done normally is shut down and quit, giving up on my dreams and goals because I hadn’t gotten that support, (well more realistically validation) that I needed to continue. However, recently I had vowed to be different with myself which means to do things differently and by that I mean to take a more systematic approach to my life which is why I believe that within minutes of my sitting quietly and sincerely wanting to understand, I had answers. 

I was told two things.  The first is: I should follow my heart and move on with my plans. It was then I realized that nobody can share with equal measure the enthusiasm for that which has been placed upon my heart to do and it would be highly beneficial to me if I would recondition myself to being self-motivated because there may not always be outside validation for what I do or believe in, if it is in fact necessary at all.  I was told to learn to trust myself. The second thing I was told was to release my friend from her prescribed role as my cheerleader.  I had without knowing type cast her and had her fixed in a role that did not necessarily show off all of her talents and most certainly had not allow her any room to evolve and to mature.  I realized that she was no longer meant to play the same role she had played for me before.  It was further revealed to me that in order for me to continue to expand, I had to release her and let her be for me now whoever it is she is presently developing into.  I was to understand that she too is in the process of evolution and had grown personally over the years of my knowing her. I was then able to determine her reaction wasn’t necessarily one of a lack of enthusiasm, but perhaps more befitting to her current outlook of life, whatever that may be.

This dear friend of mine and I were brought together many years ago.  It was nine years to be exact when we were brought together and we were both completely different people from who we are today.  My needs for her then were in many ways different than they are now because my issues were not all the same, at least not in form. I feel confident in saying that the same goes for her as far as her ability to give to me based upon where she was in her life at the time of our coming together.  She gave to me guidance and counseling based on my needs then.  She taught me a different way of looking at life and offered to me a real alternative to how I had been living my life to that time.  She did all that she could to equip me with tools to move forward on my own.  She was never intended to hold my hand and walk me through the rest of my life, at least not in that same capacity.  She was preparing me to go it alone so to speak.  She had spent a countless number of hours preparing me to spread my wings and to eventually fly. I must stop for a moment here and say that I am most grateful to her for all of these things which were positively needed at that time for without her I am uncertain as to where I would be now.  Ok, proceeding along.  In all of the time we had spent together, I had never given any thought to how our relationship might change as we each grew, expanded and evolved individually even though I was taught that evolution is the whole purpose of life, not to mention the best use for relationship.  It is necessary to recognize that with individual evolution comes the evolution of needs, which then redefines the roles of each individual who is party to the relationship.  I also realized in that short period of time sitting there in the quiet of my room is that she is still my friend, my confidant and perhaps still my counselor; but that the way in which we now engage with each other will be different because she had grown, I had grown and we had grown.  The paradigm of our relationship had been redefined because the circumstances of our lives have changed and with them our needs for each other have changed as well.

With this newly found insight, I was then able to take inventory of my life. In doing so I observed that it is sometimes very challenging for people including myself to see their loved ones mature or to change.  I think based upon my own personal experiences, that change makes people feel very uncomfortable since most of us do not like change to put it mildly! It is well known that the majority of us absolutely abhor change even though it is one of the few constants in life.  I believe the thing that makes us so resist to change in our friends is that it somehow forces us to evaluate where we our in our own lives which is often times very painful, possibly because we are so highly critical of ourselves.  That criticalness coupled with our incessant need to compare makes us resistant to seeing and accepting growth in the people we know and love. 

I have noticed that friends can sometimes be our biggest cheerleader and our biggest competitor (hater) all at the same time.  I believe they really want to be happy for us, but the fear of being left behind forces the competitive and defensive nature to reveal itself.  So it is not that our friends aren’t happy when we think they should be, but perhaps they have developed a new outlook, or maybe they are preoccupied with self-examination or any countless number of things which overshadow the happiness they might otherwise feel or be able to express in that moment.  Perhaps we would benefit from releasing our friends from their previously prescribed roles and be grateful to them for what they have brought to our lives thus far as there was definitely an intended purpose for their being there.  It is unfair to our friends, loved ones and even to ourselves to discourage maturity and might I add even an unreasonable expectation that they should become stagnant to accommodate our needs.  We are being unfair to expect anyone to be a constant cheerleader for us.  The real encouragement for our lives should come from within.  I do believe that your friends should encourage and support you as often as they sincerely can, but when they do not or cannot, it shouldn’t matter because you should be cheering so loudly for yourself that it should sound like an entire stadium filled with people yelling at the top of their lungs on your behalf. Thanks for tuning in!

Deonae

People Are Watching Me?

Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner with my oldest friend. It was super hot, but we were determined to get out and enjoy a Friday evening. We went over to Old Town walked around yap, yap, yapping while looking at the items for sell by the various vendors and finally sat down for dinner. Throughout dinner the yapping continued, but it was some good stuff! It was during the course of that yapping that I came to realize how people may be watching me and let me tell you it was a pretty frightening thought! My friend shared some comments that had recently been made about me from some people I never would have thought were paying any attention at all. Imagine my surprise when I found out. Who knew? It did however get me to thinking about how I really did out myself.

One of the reasons I know I have taken so long in taking on a venture of this sort is because I was concerned about what others would think or have to say about me. I have been that way for the better part of my life, overly concerned with other people’s opinions of me and to explain to you why would take the time to write an entire book which may come later, but for now I will stick to the current subject matter! I have to say that now it doesn’t matter to me so much what most people are thinking about me, but I do still care to some degree about some, but now for entirely different reasons. I have learned many things over the past forty-one and one of them is somebody is always going to have something to say about me, but it’s not my problem. That knowledge however, did not keep me from getting a little bit antsy about the possibility of being watched or perhaps more properly put is being paid attention to.
I’ve always been very good at being seen and not seen at the same time if that makes sense. I have never liked a lot of attention and have for the most part gone out of my way to avoid being the center of it. So, this undertaking has been a little scary for me. What is scary about this is the actual exposing of me to anyone and everyone who wants to be a part of it. I am allowing people to be a part of my transformation and with that I know there are some who are rooting for me to win if only for purely selfish reasons because they know that if I can do it then it means they can too. While there are others who are waiting for me to fail so they can again prove themselves right about being wrong. They believe that life is hard or whatever else lie they have told themselves and my failure at transforming my life (not to mention my goal which is the small task of changing the world) reinforces the pack of lies they have fed into. Some are secretly watching so as not to publicly get their hopes up high and have to openly admit to disappointment in the unlikely event of my failure. They are like I was, in not wanting to openly admit to hoping for something so they would not have to admit to disappoint, as if it doesn’t feel the same.

Of course there will always be skeptics who I am sure are thinking something big has already happened in my life to bring about this “sudden” change in attitude. I assure you there have been no such events. My life picture looks virtually the same as it did six months ago; the only thing that has changed is my mind. I have no new man or any man for that matter who has done or said something to make me happy or optimistic about the future. Which I know some people may be thinking because women have a tendency toward such states of temporary bliss when they have a new man or the one they have is finally cooperating with them! I have no new job or haven’t come into any large sums of money, yet! I haven’t received an inheritance; or gotten any word that I should be expecting one anytime soon. I have had no raise nor bought a new car or house. What I have done is decide it is now time for a change and that I can no longer in good consciousness sit by watching, judging and thereby, condemning the world without making any valid effort at changing it. I have decided to do my part regardless of who is watching and what it is they have to say about it and I am now encouraging you to do the same!
I really wonder how many of you have held off on taking steps toward your dreams, or to change (anything) because of what someone else may be thinking. If this is the case I ask you why? Like I said before people are always going to have something to say. If you choose to do nothing, they will talk. That being the case, I say give them a big ole juicy mouth full! I know that putting yourself out there in front of people is not always easy, but you are not doing it for them on the front end, you are doing it for yourself, though ultimately you are doing it for them. If you begin to honor yourself others will do the same. Healing cannot be done alone as it is contagious in a good kind of way, a lot like laughter is.

Admittedly this is a whole new level of responsibility, it causes me to have to really be on to myself and to pay close attention to how I am being, but I believe it is worth the undertaking. I have set some really big goals and one step at a time is how I intend to achieve them. You do not have to take giant steps to succeed; one small step at a time will eventually get you to where you want to go. I cannot concern myself with what others will say because I might fail, because there is an even greater possibility that I will succeed! Besides if I try and give it my all did I really fail? Not in my eyes I don’t. The only real failure I believe is to never try at all. I invite you all to come out of hiding and to go for it; whatever it may be! You can keep an eye on me or you can become involved yourself with the next big change to sweep the world. Stay tuned there is definitely more to come!

Success in Everything
Deonae

What are you talking about?

In the past few days, I have been listening to and really hearing what people are talking about. I’ve paid close attention to the people around me in the baseball bleachers at my sons games, the work lunchroom, on the radio, even on facebook and it is no longer a wonder to me as to why the lives of so many are in such poor condition. I will take it even a step further and say I can see how our country has landed itself in its current financial state, and is all but morally bankrupt. I can see clearly now why the world is the way that it is today, simply by taking the time out to listen and hear people’s conversations.

While listening, what I have heard consistently is people speaking of how bad things are and how tough and rough it is to make it in this world. I hear about how things are not fair and that everyone is out to get them. I have read far too many complaints from the same people over and over on facebook about their woes and ills. I have also taken note to when people are asked how they are, they are quick to run down a list of challenges and wrong doings they are currently suffering from. All of these people as sincere as they are have been unknowingly giving power and momentum to more of the same issues and circumstances in their lives. It is a shame what ignorance can create.
I believe it is indeed ignorance which would allow someone to continue to speak destruction into their lives. So I ask, what are you talking about? Whatever it is you are talking about, I hope you are prepared to deal with the result of your conversation as it will undoubtedly show up as your life. Simply put, what you think and what you say has to at some point materialize in your life. Don’t believe me; take a look at your life! What does it look like? Now, I dare you to take an honest and impartial look at what you’ve been talking about and compare it to the current condition of your life and notice how your thoughts and words align with the picture that is your life.
Many of us do not know just how powerful we really are! The power of life and death is in the tongue is among the most true and impacting statements ever to be spoken. You and you alone have the ability to speak life or death into your life, literally. Therefore, it is imperative for you to take notice of your conversation because your life depends upon it! Let, me add that not only your life but the lives of your families and loved ones depend upon it as well. As women, we are the most creative force on the planet; its survival is literally up to us. So if your life isn’t important enough to monitor your conversation for, perhaps the saving of the entire planet might get you motivated enough to get you to change your words.

Some of you might be saying, “I like my life just as it is.” and I say to you great, then keep on saying what you’ve been saying and now assist your sisters with having a different conversation. Be unwilling to further indulge them in conversation that is not beneficial and uplifting to themselves and the world. For those of you who are not satisfied with the current condition of your life, you can change it! You are powerful enough to do it! All it will take is willingness, discipline and a real desire for change.

Why these three attributes of willingness, discipline and desire? It is because they are a part of the winning recipe, each being vital to obtain success. Willingness is necessary first because it signifies that one is ready for change, but because someone wants something does not always mean they know how to achieve or obtain that thing, so willingness is necessary to open the way for direction. This then allows you to be objective and impartial in looking at your life. It is willingness that opens the way to see, hear and know the truth about yourself which will ultimately allow the acceptance and embracing of your power. Discipline is necessary to retrain your mind into to thinking right and more productive thoughts and keeping them there. You have been programmed and conditioned into thinking and speaking the way you do and it will take discipline, lots of discipline to correct. The third attribute desire is the biggest one of all, for it is out of your desire for more and better that a new life can begin. Once you can desire things, you can then become focused on those things thereby taking your time and attention away from your current circumstances and the things you do not want in your life. It is important to understand that what you give your time and attention to grows which is why it is ever so important to redirect your thinking and speaking. Now if you will couple your new found desire with faith which is intense concentration on the life you really want while knowing it will happen, then I assure you change is imminent! Mind your words and guard your thoughts as if your life depends upon, because it does!

Lighten up on yourself!

Over the course of this weekend I had an opportunity to spend time with some really close high school girlfriends that I haven’t seen and spent this kind of time with in a very long while.  We were celebrating one of the little ones birthday and it was so much fun watching our kids playing together or not as was the case with a couple of them, teenagers you gotta love ‘em, right. While the kids played, we did what women do who haven’t seen each other in a while, we laughed! We talked and reminisced about old times we shared and we had a blast! However, in spite of our laughter, there were a few serious and heartfelt moments where I was able to see yet again where we carry with us an enormous amount of guilt and induce self-punishment for the mistakes we have made in our lives.

Let’s take a moment and talk about mistakes.  I will be the first to say I have thrown myself upon the cross and nailed myself down for what I have felt were damning mistakes at least, I don’t know, more times than I care to really say at this present moment.  I would beat myself up and torture myself with the coulda, woulda, shouldas for what I have now found was no reason.  I have come to understand that mistakes are very useful and essential tools afforded to us for our personal growth and ascension (which incidentally is our real purpose for being here anyway) and that they are impossible to avoid in life.  We are experiential creatures and learn primarily through what we experience and not so much by example. It is because we are experiential by nature that it is impossible for us to avoid mistakes. Let me give an example of what I mean.  How many times have you listened when someone told you not to do something because x, y, and z would happen and you turned right around and did that very thing, while saying to yourself that will not happened to me because _______________ fill in the blank with whatever wisdom filled reason you had given yourself at the time. We have to have our own experience in order for us to have a real frame of reference, which then allows us to make informed decisions from that time forward.

Think about it, how boring would it be if we went through life never having any experiences of our own.  That is how it would be if there were say a select few who went about having experiences, making some mistakes and then reporting to the rest of us and we all said ok got it I will not do that.  By giving up your experiences and mistakes that is what you would be reducing life to.  I don’t know about you all but for me, some of the best times I have had in my life were had in the midst of a “mistake”! You came here to have experiences, both good and bad.  Life is not about getting from the cradle to the grave as safely as you can, you are supposed to muck it up and make a stinking mess of it.  I am really confused as to where the notion came from that we are supposed to following this certain path that leads to the perfect mistake less life.  That is absurd! Name one person you either know personally or have ever heard of who has done such a thing, there is no such person. Life would simply not be the same without your mistakes.  Let us stop taking them so seriously and let us begin to examine them and see where and how we can gain from them and then begin to seek to grow from them.  I say change your perspective about mistakes as well as everything and your life begins to change as well. Lighten up on yourself and we will have some more talks about this as I believe we have some work to do around this subject.

Loving You!

The Great Comeback!

It’s the bottom of the 5^th inning, our team is at bat and we are down 6-0 with only one inning left in the game.  Throughout the game our defense has been awesome, but our offense has left a little something to be desired.  Our first batter strikes out, our next batter bunts and gets on base, the next batter does the same and is on too.  Finally, we score! We are on the board with two runs!  Our next batter hits a homerun we are now 6-3 in the bottom of the 5^th inning. The next batter comes up and hits another homerun we are now 6-4 in one inning, unbelievable but we’ve done it.  We have closed the gap in half and inning and are in this ballgame.  The other team gets a third out and go up to bat, but we play it like a textbook, four batters one base hit and three outs later we are back up to bat.  This is it, our last at bat.  We need two runs to tie and three to win.  We get two runners on and one batter strikes out, but we still have two runners on.   We get a base hit and two runs score we are now tied 6-6 with one runner the winning run on third base.  Our next batter comes hits a double and we win 7-6.  I must restate that we came back from a 6-0 deficit in an inning and a half to win, amazing!

I described this play-by-play for a reason and hope that you were able to follow. I did it to illustrate just how similar life is to a baseball game or to any sport for that matter. Take a moment to think about how many times in your life you have been in the bottom of the 5^th inning, behind by six runs with what looks like no hope of winning and suddenly the tide changes and you come back to win the game in the bottom of the 6^th inning in what is your last at bats? I am sure more times than you care to think about and now is not the time you to stop winning either! Perhaps this is the first time you have found yourself with your back against the wall and feel as though all is lost and I say to you “do not accept defeat!” You may be in the midst of one of those times when things look bleak, and nothing seems to be going right for you, but I tell you do not be fooled by what you see! It is not real and it is not over until it is over! Just like the kids on my son’s baseball team, if you stay with it until the end you can will win.

I can see that times are tough for many people.  Massive numbers of people have found themselves in what at some point were unimaginable situations  with the loss of jobs, homes, savings and investments at an all-time high.  On the surface, things look bad, but I am asking that you look beyond the surface and see the incredible opportunity this time in our history represents for us.  You are not alone in this, I do not know exactly how comforting this is to you, but think about it, millions are in the same position as you are right now and the playing field by in large has been leveled.  This time presents itself as an opportunity for the re-invention of oneself yet again.  Come on women, we do it all the time with our hair, make-up and clothes, this time may be just a little more drastic. We are well equipped to take on this task; we are strong women (only we can endure child birth right!). This time now presents with it infinite opportunities for staging the great comeback! This should be exciting and encouraging.  If you have never thought about it like this before, I am happy to be the one to tell you!

I know that this time is very scary and difficult for many, but I say turn this around and take advantage of this time. There has been only one other time in recent history which presented the same opportunity for advancement and that was during “The Great Depression”.  Our country was in great turmoil and the playing field had been leveled by a great economic catastrophe much like what we have experienced today.  What is not spoken of often is the number of people who as the result of the depression became extremely wealthy.  The people who refused to be beaten were able to take advantage of an enormous shift and pioneer themselves into prosperity.  Some of the wealthiest families this country has made their money during the time period immediately following the depression. This same thing can still happen now all that is required is willingness, a dream/desire and faith!  You have not been hung out to dry, but perhaps have been given the greatest opportunity of your life at success.  Have an open mind and a willingness to see and hear the greatness that is in store for you.  Now is the time to dream, to dream big ginormous (it’s my word) dreams! What do you have to lose? Dream these dreams, go after these dreams and dare not lose sight of them.  Believe in your dreams and have faith in the reality of those dreams.  It is never too late as long as you believe this.  Like my son’s team discovered today never give up because there is no obstacle to great to overcome! This same principle applies to your life right now.  Never give up!

Success in Everything,
Deonae

What’s That Fragrance You’re Wearing?

So, a few days ago I was with a client and we got to talking about the stuff women talk about when sitting in their stylist’s chair, life, kids, men, work etc. During the course of the conversation I asked her had she looked at my blog and was sharing with her the purpose for it. She replied that she had gone to my blog page, but had not read any of the posts.  She went on to say that she was too old to change and that she had been wearing the same perfume “Eau de Bitch” since high school and had become quite comfortable with it.  After we laughed, because I found it pretty funny, I ask her how that was working out for her, wearing that same perfume that is.

As I worked, we got to really talking and sharing our life stories with each other and what came out was that her public persona was developed as a way of opposing her mother.  She has turned herself into the stark contrast of the mother she knew growing up as a child.  My friend is very quiet and reserved.  She doesn’t smile very often (almost never) and truthfully, without knowing her, one could easily conclude that she is a mean and angry woman.  None of this is true about her, well maybe the angry part fits a little bit, but she is not a mean person at all.  In fact, she is very kind and warm-hearted and has a beautiful smile that is not used often enough.  The picture she paints of her mother is the complete opposite.  She told of a woman who when she threw a party, it would last for three days and if the woman wanted to go to a party and had no babysitter, she would take her kids with her! She went on to further describe her mother as the woman who could limbo with a drink on her head and not spill a drop (now that’s talent!).  I can see how having a mother who is the “life of the party” could create some real issues and conflicts for a person like my friend who has a naturally reserved personality.  It is easy to see how her mother’s behavior could have contributed to the seemingly staunch persona we see today.

Of course, this whole notion got me to thinking.  I wondered how many of us are now living, acting, and being in a way that may not necessarily be the truth of who we are because of our trying not to be one or both of our parents or caregivers? I wonder how many of us are denying or possibly by this time in your life have completely forgotten who the real you is and why you ever stopped being her in the first place.  I think it highly likely that a good number of women are not living as their authentic self.  Further pondering of these questions lead me to consider how many different personas I have worn which  did not reflect the real me, in my lifetime as the result of trying not to be like someone, or in an effort to be more like someone or even to gain the attention or affections of someone else.  I found that I was much like my friend who had allowed other people to define for me the person I would show the world and I realized one of the reasons why so many women are just so angry!

How could one really be happy walking through their entire life play acting and denying the gift that is you from yourself and to the world?  From my personal experience I can say it is next to impossible.  I would think it reasonable to say that at best one can hope for glimpses of happiness and fulfillment here and there, but without knowing and being who you really are one cannot have real happiness because which would really make you happy is yet to be discovered along with your authentic self.  How much longer are you willing to deny the real you? How long have you been wearing that fragrance and really how well is it working out for you? If the answer is not so well, then are you still willingly to give your power to someone else to dictate to you who you are? I say it is time to authenticate and to finally reveal in all of its glory the REAL YOU!  Happier times are ahead if you would KEEP IT REAL.  Don’t be afraid or put off by what others may say or think about you; it’s not your job to please everyone.  I can say with certainty that not everyone will like or even approve of the real you, but I remind you that they didn’t before, so don’t let that stop you!  This is no longer about them; this is about healing you (which in a broader spectrum is about them), but for now our focus is you.  I urge you to get out there and find her.  I promise she will embrace you with open arms!

To my client/friend, I give my gratitude for your graciously allowing me to use you for this piece.

Dance like nobody is watching and sing like nobody is listening!  

Deonae

How does she develop?

I want to talk about an issue that is near and dear to my heart, my daughter. I have two children an eleven year old son and a thirteen year old daughter who are a stark contrast to each other personality wise. While I have what I consider to be normal parental concerns for them both of them, when it comes to my daughter who is every bit of a teenager my concerns go a bit deeper.
I am a keep it real parent and tell the truth about what I see from my children behaviorally, so it comes as no surprise to me when certain things are said about my children, because I know them well. That being said, I have a beautiful daughter who doesn’t always behave in a like manner. She does not always display the most likeable characteristics when dealing with other people and it raises a constant issue, not only with me, but also with others. She is age appropriately self-centered, but in the spirit of keeping it real she does extra with it! So, at the park yesterday, she became the topic of conversation and on some of what was said, I had to agree, but it was the spirit of the conversation that I had an issue with and not just for my child, but for every young woman who is in the process of development.
There are a countless number of reasons why my child and so many like her behave in the manner in which they do, none of which excuses their behavior entirely, but some of them do call for us as women to take close examination. The one issue I am choosing to examine today is the examples the young ladies are seeing in front of them. I am not talking only about the public images, but I am including those who are near and dear, the ones who have been given direct charge to them. My daughter and other young girls are receiving mixed messages. We are saying to them be this, do that, and act like this, when we are not being, doing, and acting in the same fashion. We cannot expect for them to be and do what we are ourselves unwilling to do. These developing young ladies are crying out for help in a time of immense confusion and in return getting from the ones who are to guide them, more confusion. It is time for the women of the world to take an honest look at ourselves for the answer as to why and how our young ladies are the way they are.
Not only should we examine ourselves, but is it not our responsibility to correct the behaviors we see that are not becoming in the young women? I do not mean that we should jump down their throats, but shouldn’t we use the same compassion and consideration with them that our mothers did or that we wish she would have used with us. Is it not the right thing for us to say I see this persona you are trying on and it is not the best look, so let’s try something else? Don’t our girls deserve that? Haven’t we had enough of being nasty and rude with each other; do we honestly believe that the best way to get through to a young lady who is displaying unbecoming traits is to act in the same fashion toward her and expect a different result in our next interaction with her? I believe in all honesty, that in order to change her (the young lady) is to heal us. I need your help in raising the kind of woman we would all be proud of, so please I ask that you remember that she (all of them) are fragile and still developing and that what you say and do matter a lot to them and will have a lasting and profound effect upon them.

Lovingly,
Deonae

All Is Well!

Today at work I was reminded that this day marks the end of the fiscal year which for many brings the reality of not having a job to go to tomorrow or in the very near future. I personally know several people the poor state of the economy has affected and I can see in their faces behind the brave smiles the uncertainty the close of this day brings with it. My position fortunately will not be affected though there have been several people who have alluded to the possibility that the number of days I will be afforded to work is tied to the now eminent layoffs and for a moment, I allowed myself to ponder the idea of not having enough days to work and what that might mean to my family financially and could feel the immense pressure of the thought of not having enough settling down on me and I felt myself at the brinks of worry, until I remembered that All Is Well!
I do not say this to make light of the situation because I have deep sympathy for those who have indeed lost their jobs. I have been there before and know what it feels like if I do not know and remember that all is well. What is meant by this declaration is that I go to the place where I know God is and settled into the All Is Well. Without that reassurance, I am pretty certain I would be a frazzled mess obsessed with worry about how I would care for my children and all of my responsibilities but instead what I chose to remember and align myself with is the safety and assurance that is God.
In the Kingdom of God ladies is the only place where there is absolute safety! The world offers none AT ALL as it is only an illusion! As we have seen in recent years and in times before this there isn’t a good enough job, enough money, savings, investment, powerful friends, or fico score large enough to keep us from financial ruin at any moment. The only place to go where there is infinite abundance and absolute safety is in the Kingdom of God. This journey is just too hard, painful, and frightening without the assistance and guidance of the Creator of the Universe.
I will not attempt to define God or to tell you the type of relationship you should have with the Creator because I believe that is far too personal and actually kind of rude. I am however admonishing you to if you do not already have a relationship, to build one as now unlike any other time before it is necessary to have a strong connection to our Creator. We are experiencing a change in the world like none we have ever seen and as women we have a responsibility to go back to being the overseers of the earth as we once were. In order for us to restore balance to the earth we have to be willing to get back to our original feminine nature which means that we must reconnect with God. Once we have done so and we are strengthened and renewed, we will begin to see the peace that we hold within in our world outside of us. Our children will no longer be frightened and our men will stand strong and courageous again and we will be able to face adversities such as the loss of a job not only for ourselves but for our friends and co-workers with the unwavering assurance that All Is Well!

Success in Everything,
Deonae