You’re Not Wrong!

Last night at my house there were fireworks in August! This from what I understand can be a pretty common event, when living in the house with a teenager! There was an incident that had occurred earlier during the day which was completely unrelated to my daughter and me, yet it ended up spilling over into our home and the result was fireworks. I have to say that for a while, things were pretty heated. There was some arguing back and forth between us, essentially, it was a power struggle. One in which I was determined to win! This attitude ultimately led to more struggle and more arguing and more struggle and well I think you get the picture.

My daughter like me is very strong willed; opinionated and self-centered (she however is this exponentially right now!). As one can imagine, this makes for some interesting times in our home. Last night happens to have been one of those "interesting" times. Lately, we have been dealing with her attitude and her tone, the manner in which she speaks to people. She like most teenagers really believes that this is HER world and that the rest of it's inhabitants are here to service her and if we are not doing so then we are an extreme annoyance to her and her annoyance at you comes across loud and clear when she is addressing you directly. I am sure that for those of you who are parents of teenagers or who have ever raised one can relate to what I am saying here. It is very challenging to keep in mind that she is a work in progress who needs constant guidance and direction and to remember that when she acts out like she does from time to time that it is really a call for help. That being said, I was fortunately, during this whole event last night, able to not just listen to but to really hear what my daughter was saying and hear her call for help. She was really angry and upset with herself over the day's events and therefore being really hard on herself. She like me and many of us is struggling with the issue of "not being enough" or being "wrong" and it doesn't help that she has a younger brother who is naturally thoughtful and generous who people like to compare her to which ultimately ends up making her feel more wrong. During the events of the night, she made reference to him and how everyone loves him more and treats him better; here I thought (and was grateful for) was another opportunity for me to relay to her how people treat her is a direct correlation to how she treats other people. I want her to understand that she is no longer under the grace of being a cute little girl who gets passes because she is young and that people will now treat her with the same level of respect or lack thereof, that she gives to them. This is what I call the principle of reciprocity and I have decided to teach my children this principle of reciprocity, reaping what you sow or karma (what one chooses to call it doesn't matter as the principle is the same) because I believe whole heartedly that what you put out in word, action, or deed ALWAYS comes back to you in equal measure. I wanted her to see how she has been with other people and make the connection to how people are being with her and to get this young so that she can then make conscious decisions in her life about who and how she will be, therefore making her powerful in her life.

As I listened to her speak, what I heard her saying in all of her despair and explaining is "I am wrong, I am not good enough, I am wrong" and the more I tried to refute this the more I could see her becoming convinced in her position of wrongness. I then began to feel like I was failing miserably. I was struggling for the right words and the ability to diffuse this situation because I knew that I could lose my child in a sea of worthlessness if I wasn't able to get this right and soon. I heard myself say inwardly "I need help," which I guess was a silent prayer because the words which came from my mouth next were not my own. What I said to my baby girl who was by this time in a flood of tears was, "You are not wrong, you are perfect, and you are learning." I also heard myself say, "Your actions are not always right, but that doesn't make you wrong, but in need of correction." The words though they came from my mouth were not my own and were music to both of our ears because as I spoke them to her, I was also speaking to myself. I could see her instantly lighten up and begin to relax. The situation was from that moment able to take on a completely different tone and was by in large resolved.

Later, I was able to reflect and to think of how many adult women could benefit from those same words being spoken to them now! Here they are for you; YOU ARE PERFECT! YOU ARE NOT WRONG! YOU ARE LEARNING AND ONLY IN NEED OF CORRECTION! Just because you are all grown up does not mean you know it all, in fact it is probably quite the opposite. Most of us have been taught that we are wrong simply by being born into this gender and then have continually found ways to reinforce our wrongness by being too fat, short, tall, not smart enough, or your hair is too short, you're not talented enough and a whole host of other things I am sure can be inserted here. None of it is true, not one word of it is. In order for us to heal our children and our world, we must first heal how we look at ourselves and how we hold ourselves as invaluable. Nothing could be further from the truth. In case you have never been told before, allow me to be the first to say that you have been wrong about your being wrong! In Truth, you are perfection; the image and likeness of God! The experiences you have had to the contrary were designed for you know the truth of your perfection. Without such experiences you can only have an awareness of perfection and never really know it. Without an actual experience, what we have is only an awareness of a thing. Right now we are all having a collective experience to help us to know our truth which is perfection. It is only after these experiences, will we have a genuine capacity to appreciate and know the truth. I want us all to stop being so hard on ourselves, we deserve to treat ourselves with kindness and the understanding that we are still learning. We don't yell at babies when the fall as they are learning to walk, so why would you beat up on yourself when you make a mistake and need some correction? Learn to be gentle with yourself on this journey and remember you are Perfection.

Bye for now, Deonae