It has been a short while since I have last written and I have to admit I have been in hiding. I could blame my absence on the change in my schedules both at work and at home which would bear some truth, but being partially honest is no longer befitting of me and in fact only serves as a way of keeping me delusional and spinning. I know that in order to accomplish my goals and to realize my dreams, I have to be willing to tell the truth about who I am being and what I am actually up to in my life. If I choose to do anything else, I am allowing myself to be stuck on pause.
In the past I have had a tendency to self sabotage and do any number of clever things I could to derail myself and then act as if I had no idea where something came from or how it happened. What I have noticed as of late is I have gotten cleverer with my sabotage. It has become increasingly easier to make excuses for why I am not doing what I have committed to doing. The kids and their schedule have been the most recent convenient excuse. Now, if I were to say that I am really busy and just don't have the time to write I would be well within the confines of the truth in saying so; especially since football and cheer have started for the kids and we leave the house at around 7am not to return until at least 8:30 pm that night on a daily basis during the week. But the entire truth is I have do have the time while I am sitting for three hours waiting for them to finish their practices, I can sit in my car just as I am now and write. I haven't been doing this because I temporarily lost sight of my goal and had allowed myself for a moment to become discouraged because things weren't going the way I had planned and not quite as quickly as I would have liked them to. Which is where the self-sabotage comes in, instead of being willing to take one step at a time, I wanted everything at one time, instantaneously and when that didn't happen, I retreated and almost quit.
I have never been one who likes the middle as I call it. I want to have the vision and get right to the goal or the prize. The stuff in the middle, the process, the work, is the part I have always hated and avoided often times at all costs. Now, in the spirit of maturing and being on to myself, I must admit to being able to see now why I haven't accomplished more than I have in my life. Continuing in that same spirit of maturity and growth I have to also add that it is fear which has fostered my dislike for the process. This fear comes in many forms; the most common of them are my fear of failure and fear of not being enough, which really is because I am not enough I will fail. I have felt many times as if I didn't hurry up and get there, to the goal that I would certainly mess it up and never see it through to success. Therefore, I would rush through or more often than not quit so as not to fail. Can you see how defeating those thoughts and actions are? They are self-sabotage at its best and even though I feel differently about myself now, I still battle those old thoughts that had been with me for a very long time.
One thing I have had to become clear on is that each day I must remind of myself who really I am. I know that I must reconnect to the Source because I know that if I don't and if I for one second allow myself to forget then the old thoughts that are sitting and waiting just below the surface will gladly come in and take over as ruling thoughts, putting me back on to the relentless Ferris wheel of not enough. Those thoughts I believe will never go away completely, but they will become more and more quiet as they become buried deeper and deeper under the Truth of who you are. This is why it is important to stay conscious to what you are thinking and staying awake to how you are being. It is necessary for healing to get to know yourself well and to be kind but honest with yourself so that transformation can take root and then ultimately flourish into the beautiful new you. I am back and willing to continue walking through this entire process all the way to the end.
Love,
Deonae
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